


Where are you sun?

by HeyGina



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 08:18:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12790506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyGina/pseuds/HeyGina
Summary: The nightmare is the first thing to come back.Then, the rest of it.His already racing breathing is coming out in sobs within seconds. He runs a hand through his tangled and dirty hair and lets his face fall into his hands, too tired to even try to fight back the storm about to unleash.(In which Bucky misses Steve so fucking much he can barely breathe.)





	Where are you sun?

His own screaming wakes him.

He jumps up in the mattress he calls bed and for a moment, he knows nothing. He doesn’t know who he is. Where he is. How he got there. What—

The nightmare is the first thing to come back.

Then, the rest of it.

His already heavy breathing is coming out in sobs within seconds. He runs a hand through his tangled and dirty hair and lets his face fall into his hands, too tired to even try to fight back the storm about to unleash.

The images are like a waterfall flooding every corner of his mind. He sees blood. He sees dead men, dead women, dead children. He sees bullets and blades and fists, hears gunshots and muffled screaming as his knife slices a throat and bones breaking under his knuckles. He sees white and feels the hot and the pain of the electricity, hears himself scream and has to check to make sure he’s not actually screaming again. He tasted blood in his mouth and salt from tears he can’t control—

And then he sees Steve.

Ironically, or not really, it’s the memory that makes him cry the hardest.

His entire body is shaking and his lungs burn with the lack of oxygen but he can’t

stop

crying.

He sees Steve when they were children. Small Steve, sickly and scrawny, and then big Steve, muscly and tough and just as stubborn as ever. He sees Steve coughing and playing in a sandbox and fighting a guy three times bigger than him in a Brooklyn alley and he sees Steve standing by the side of that damned metal table like a fucking miracle and Steve fighting a war and leading men and holding him at night inside their tent when the nightmares get too bad – and _God,_ it makes him feel alone.

It makes him feel so fucking alone. He can’t stop crying and all he can think about is Steve holding him, Steve whispering soothing nonsense in his ear, Steve just being _there_ – and it hurts like hell. It hurts like hell because he’s so alone and so tired and so cold and Steve would come running if he asked but he can’t – he can’t ask, not yet. He can’t put him in that danger again.

He sees Steve under him, bruised and bleeding (and so so tired) and willing to let the Winter Soldier kill him – and he knows he can’t. He can’t. Steve deserves better. Steve deserves good.

He doesn’t know how long it takes him to stop crying but it’s still dark outside when he does. He takes a deep breath that does nothing to his headache and lays back down, pulling the single blanket he owns (it’s not enough) around him as tightly as he can while trying to ignore the tremors still running through his body.

He closes his eyes and tells himself it’ll get better. It’ll get better and one day he’ll be able to go back to Steve. One day he’ll be able to let Steve hold him again, whisper soothing nonsense in his ear. Maybe even do the same for him. One day.

He doesn’t buy it.

He prays for the sun to come out soon.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah. born after nisha's (callusedsilk) sad headcanon of bucky's heart breaking as he wakes up and doesnt find steve with him. kinda made it sadder tho. written in fifteen minutes, while half asleep, so i apologize for nothing.
> 
> (im cvptainbucky at tumblr! come say hi)


End file.
